It’s December. A time for festive celebrations, traditions and getting together with friends and family. 

Except, what if anxiety means that you dread this time of year?

You may have been invited to a party, but as the date draws near it is something you are dreading rather than anticipating. Maybe you also feel frustrated with yourself that you feel this way. After all, parties are supposed to be enjoyable, relaxed and fun. Why can’t I feel excited about going? 

What might be going on? 

It is sometimes referred to as social anxiety – a particular set of responses triggered by being in a social situation. Anxiety itself is an alarm in the body. It originates in the body. What then happens is the mind – being a ‘meaning-making’ machine – then goes to want to put a story to the sensation of anxiety. This is perhaps the most important thing to know about what we call anxiety. It is not a story about what is happening, but rather a sensation which is the nervous system’s way of getting our attention. 

Tip

Can you recall the last time you were anxious and where you felt it in your body? Possibly not if your mind went straight to work trying to ‘figure it out’.

Next time you feel anxious, practice locating it in your body. Stop what you are doing. Slow down. Notice it’s location, temperature, colour, size. Is it moving or static? Is it heavy or light? Does it change any of these properties as you notice it?

So you may be thinking back to the last social situation in which you felt this social anxiety. When you didn’t feel comfortable to chat to new people. When you felt as if people noticed that you felt awkward. When you worried about the fact that you didn’t seem able to say or do the ‘right things’. It may be that you also lack self-esteem, which makes it harder to be yourself and let people get to know you, for you. 

Firstly, all that you are experiencing is perfectly normal. You are nervous because you are in a situation which is unknown. There are new people who you don’t know. On a basic level, your body is doing what it knows best – which is to keep you safe. The anxiety as alarm goes off in your body because the body considers something about this situation to be threatening. It is important to know how normal this is. Yes, it is frustrating. But it is human physiology and it has an innate wisdom. Sometimes it just needs us to redirect it a little.

Remember: anxiety is normal and all humans experience it in life.

So, back to the upcoming party. What can you do to set yourself up for success?

I have listed below some tools you can use to work on anxiety. These are practical steps that I work on with clients and the feedback I get is that they really help.

Don’t do it alone
If you are heading to the party with a friend, tell them you feel nervous. Ask them for some support by identifying what your needs might be at the party. This might be checking in with you from time to time, or agreeing on a time you will leave the party together. Or you might enlist their support in talking to new people, if that is something you wish to try. Your friend might also feel similarly anxious and need your support. You don’t need to go it alone!

A ‘safe’ place in your mind
Something you can practice in preparation is recalling a memory of a place where you felt very safe and comfortable. Practice bringing to mind this memory and engage all of your senses. Maybe as a child you were taken to an old toy shop at Christmas time – you can remember the excitement you felt, warm and tingling with anticipation. You remember it was kind of dark and cosy with twinkling fairy lights and shelves and shelves of beautiful dolls, games and soft toy animals. Someone was holding your hand and you remember feeling safe and loved. You can conjure up the smell of the pine needles of the Christmas tree and the distinctive smell of the wooden toys. As you practice this, with whatever memory is special to you, notice how your body feels. This is a felt sense of safety and is a very powerful signal to your nervous system that there is no threat or danger. The more you can practice this, and accessing it becomes easier, the more confident you can feel to generate a sense of safety within yourself in new social situations.

Plan in advance
Decide before you go how you want the experience to look like. This exercise is also about building confidence in your own preferences and trust in your decisions. Will you decide to go with the flow, or set an arrival and departure time in advance? If you drink alcohol, will you keep to a limit of drinks? If you do not enjoy the experience, will you give yourself permission to leave early? Overcoming anxiety should not mean we have to tolerate experiences we don’t enjoy. How you decide what you want from the experience is uniquely personal to you. Remember to also celebrate yourself for attending the party even when you felt unsure.

Let it be okay
Whatever happens, let it be okay. Give yourself patience and kindness. Remember that you would offer this to another person with your same struggles. 

So next time, armed with the tools, you go along to the Christmas party. You feel quite excited about how it will go, who will be there and joining in with the celebrations. You have a plan as to what you will do, and you have built self-trust in order to suit yourself, not someone else’s agenda. Whatever happens, you know you can create safety in your body. You know how to be with your anxiety, and why it is there. You remember that you have done the work in advance to prepare yourself for this party, and you feel proud of yourself for getting there!

If you have found this article helpful, I would love it if you shared it with someone who could benefit!

Katherine